The moment of the procedure came. My doctor, who had come to see me, left me in the presence of other doctors, as this was not his expertise anymore. And even though he left, I was not alone, as my Doctor and my Heavenly Father was there with me. While I was entering the room, I started feeling very anxious. I did not have a good feeling about this. I told myself that this was, once again, my mind telling me lies. Yet, it felt different this time. While I was lying down on the table, I made a quick prayer and began reciting in my mind Psalm 23 (both the Romanian and Croatian version, as it was fresh on my mind – it was the Psalm I have learned as a challenge for myself in January as the “Psalm of the Month”). I knew that the only way for me to not pass out was to keep trusting Him and to ask for His strength. As I was trying to keep my all together, out of nowhere, a deep pressure that eventually led to deep, deep pain started to invade my body. An incident – that was not supposed to be happening, as this procedure, I was told, was non-invasive (and it was also the last one I had to be doing, because after so many months I am finally sooo much better and healed almost completely) – happened, and I found myself now in suffocating pain. As the pressure began to feel more present, so was the pain. My body started trembling and I couldn’t breathe normally anymore. I was already used to pain, as the past months have been filled with it. But this was different. I realised, soon after, that one of my veins in my left hand cracked. In autumn, I have suffered a 3rd degree burn and back then I learned what excruciating physical pain feels like, and I realized instantly that if I would let myself cry, no one will be able to help me. So I clung onto God, prayed desperately and asked for His power once again.
Eventually, the procedure ended. While I was leaving the room, I saw my dad, waiting for me anxiously. I fell in his arms, crying uncontrollably. I felt safe, so I let myself be vulnerable again. Soon after, he told me that the night prior he had a weird dream. So when he saw that I wasn’t coming out of the room, he sensed that something wrong was happening, so he started praying while reciting Psalm 91. I know that angels were sent from Heaven to be there with me and to protect me. And I was so grateful that my Heavenly Father blessed me with the most loving father, to welcome me with open arms and endearing heart.
On our way home I could not stop crying. I was so grateful for being alive and that something worse didn’t happen to me. Sorrow, gratitude, love, fear and regret all came running together like an overwhelming ball of fire and invaded my heart. It was the first time in many months when I was realizing that the Only One who actually saved me and who is giving me complete healing is my Bestfriend Jesus. I sometimes prayed for healing, but more so I prayed for strength. I couldn’t pray for healing for myself, as it seemed many times like an egotistical thing to do. Or maybe I just didn’t want to be disappointed in case it didn’t come. I have prayed for faith and trust, and during the most hurtful and scary moments of my life, I clunged onto His love for me, while calling His name, with the little faith and hope that I had in me. But truthfully, it was very hard for me to fully trust His heart. It was easier to trust the people in my life, that I know He sent me as angels on earth to take care of me; and I depended on them more than anything.
But then it finally strucked me. My Bestfriend is literally the Creator of the Universe, and He is the One who created me. He knows me best and more than anyone else in the world. So why didn’t I let myself depend fully on Him? Why was it so hard for me to ask Him, when He has been waiting patiently for me to finally take His hand and walk hand in hand together?
Arrived home, for the first time I prayed to Him for divine healing. And I know that I will receive it, as He has already promised to give it to me.
Trusting God with all of our hearts is a hard thing to do and it is a process that takes time. But I promise you, as the one who has been learning it and it is still learning it every single day, that it is the most beautiful and peace-filled gift you will ever receive. All you have to do is call on His name. He has been waiting for you and wants to be your friend.